• The tribe of underground surreptitious train sketchers. There may be a quick but quality portrait of you sitting in someone’s portfolio. (Los Angeles Times)

• How the Sonic Guys ad campaign came to life. (Kansas City Pitch)

“… To make the point that Sonic doesn’t nuke its hamburgers in microwaves, T.J. and Pete asked a competitor’s cashier to microwave a bag of popcorn for them. “They would be like, ‘We can’t microwave your popcorn. We’re busy microwaving burgers,’” McKay says. “The smarter, more strategic stuff, that’s when we knew that it was bigger than a prank or a Jackass-kind of thing. That’s when we knew it was good.”

Pete and T.J.’s antics became brasher and more irreverent. In a traffic-jammed drive-thru lane, T.J. called the restaurant and asked if the restaurant could use a hand in speeding up the line. …”

• Tom Watson, British MP and Minister for E-Government, is BLOWING MY MIND with his twitter use. (And Hazel Blears, the Minister for Communities, started blogging and twittering today)

• Jack Kerouac, from the original scroll of “On the Road” in Memehuffer:

“People aren’t interested in facts but in ejaculations“ (journal entry, December 1949)”

Technorati Tags: Sonic Drive In, ads, Kerouac, egovernment, Tom Watson, subway artists

• Pick An Unusual Name - hyphens, adverbs and acronyms will always make you seem smarter and better qualified.

“David St. Hubbins … I must admit I’ve never heard anybody with that name.
It’s an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he’s not a very well known saint.
What was he the saint of?
He was the patron saint of quality footwear.”

• Never Explain Why Your Staff Are Leaving - the only value your agency will bring to the table is in the assumed experience of your team. If they’re jumping ship, think up a better excuse or the business will crash.

“You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It’s just not really widely reported.”

• Suck Every Ounce of Credibility From Each One Of Your Engagements - it’s not really a secret, but social media gigs are not the largest piece of the pie. Each and every one of your projects must be coloured, magnified, even exaggerated to imply that your agency continues to grow - in revenues, in influence and in market share.

“I’ve told them a hundred times: put ‘Spinal Tap’ first and ‘Puppet Show’ last.”

• Exaggerate The Impact Of Your Tools - social media is the solution to all of the marketing world’s problems, will being communities together and will wash the stink of countless poor business decisions from your client.

“Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?

[pause] These go to eleven.”

• Attack Your Detractors - inevitably, you will be criticized for your work, for parroting the propaganda of other social media acolytes or for being the groomsman on the social media bandwagon. Stay firm in your convictions, and your knowledge that you have a three year lease on the office.

“This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.”

That’s just nitpicking, isn’t it?”

• Don’t Let History, Experience Or The Blunt Force Of Reality Dampen Your Spirits - there are naysayers out there. Even three years into what we continue to argue is a fundamental shift in the economic and social fabric of at least 5% of the world’s economy, we are continually asked to justify the social media spend. Just push through and keep selling the story.

“In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people… the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing… “

• Learn to Work A Room - Like A Bus Station Hooker - as a small agency in a world dominated by multi-nationals, look for every opportunity to differentiate yourself and promote your skills. Jump at every chance to “promote your brand” and sell your particular brand of social media expertise. Work the conference circuit so aggressively it seems like you’ve forgotten where you actually call home.

“HELLO CLEVELAND!”

Technorati Tags: social media agency, business development, Spinal Tap, conference, speaker, Nigel Tufnel

… from Popdose: Lists You Didn’t Ask For: Consumer Safety Edition.

“… 8. God is a white lie perpetuated through the ages to keep people distracted from the fact that life is long, cruel, and holds no meaning. Also, Mitchum deodorant contains actual chunks of Robert Mitchum.”

• Couple of Brits are planning to drive a converted double-decker bus quite a long way. Slideshow and commentary on the Guardian. Choice quote: “eh, not a double decker bus, but we’ve both driven pretty big vehicles before, so we’re not really worried about that.” More in the Sunday feature article.
• Dolly and Kenny would be rolling in their graves - Feist and the Constantines redo “Islands in the Sun” AND F*CKING KILL IT. Stupid emo/indie pretension. Here’s the classic on YouTube. The BeeGees did a good cover as well.
• Douglas Adams was wrong. The number is not 42 - it’s 53. As in the average number of friends held by youth across several continents (MTV Asia slideshow, thanks Sean!)

There are four rules that dominate the quantity and quality of your blog content:

1: when in a rut, drive readership and SEO love by creating a numbered list;
2: the more disappointing your actual paying job, the more you will write and post. This does not mean your blog will be any better - just busier;
3: the closer the relationship between the subject of your blog and a day job you love, the better the content; and,
4: the busier your day job becomes, the less time and inclination you will find to blog.

I had an executive coach who told me that being an executive was a lot like spinning plates: you had to make sure your passel of plates continued spinning at the end of their poles, and that none hit the floor.

At the moment, I am filling two executive positions.

My office is running the danger of looking like a suburban banquet hall after a Greek wedding.

No-one would ever accuse me of being a member of the Apple chorus. I like dials, whistles and options - even if they don’t perform as promised - so I tend towards WIntel products.

But Apple knows how to drive design in support of its products. And how to keep its engineers from drowning users in details, tweaks and goddamn cascading menus.

Just take a look at the guidance it provides for developers working on the iPhone, like Principles and Guidelines for Creating Great iPhone Content:

As you design the flow of your content and its user interface, follow these guidelines to build in simplicity and ease of use:

• Make it obvious how to use your content.
• Avoid clutter, unused blank space, and busy backgrounds.
• Minimize required user input.
• Express essential information succinctly.
• Provide a fingertip-sized target area for all links and controls.
• Avoid unnecessary interactivity.

Other insights, which seem unintelligible to many other companies, come from a different document Design for Your Users:

“… If you’re designing an iPhone web application, it’s appropriate to go further in defining your audience and ask yourself what traits might set your users apart from all other iPhone users.

Are they business people, teenagers, or retirees? Will they use your application at the end of every day, every time they check their email, or whenever they have a few extra moments? The more accurately you define your audience, the more accurate are your decisions about the look, feel, and functionality of your user interface.

For example, if your application helps business people keep track of their billing time, your user interface should focus on making it easy to enter times and rates, without asking for a lot of details that aren’t central to the task. In addition, you might choose a subtle color palette that appears professional and is pleasant to look at several times a day …”

Sure, the Apple kingdom is a dictatorship, but Steve Jobs knows how to keep the engineers in line.
h/t to basement.org

You can just smell it in the air.

What? Virtually anything, but mostly febreeze and scented candles.

Why? Because the 53 centimetres of snow we got on the weekend have wiped out any trace of naturally occuring scent - decaying leaves, tepid water, roadkill …

“Can Al Gore come clear my driveway?” - Facebook status update

Along with the early arrival of Daylight Savings Time, it feels like we’re turning a page into Spring.

Next up is the fundamental soul searching: just as nature breaks out anew, showering us with crocuses, buds, tiny twittering birds and a plague of rabbits, we begin to question our own existence.

The options on the table, once the last slushy puddle has evaporated:

• have I fooled myself into liking this job?
• have I fooled myself into believing this company has a future?
• will a gradual training program really prepare me for the Terry Fox Run?
• I want to frolick in the flowers. Is my significant other really a frolicker?
• Is the Shamrock Shake the first step in a widening slide towards jammer shorts and oversized tshirts at the beach this summer?
• why don’t I look for a nice quiet job in policy?
• I think I’ll paint the shutters - after the Stanley Cup
• I should shake things up - by taking an earlier bus
• Wow. Interest rates are really low. Maybe I’ll jusy renew my ARM.
• This is the year me and the band pile into the Prius and … Dammit, vans are carbon pigs!
• Time to start training HARD CORE for ultimate!
• in three months, I could be a word of mouth expert!
• I will buy every album recommended by Pitchfork and Gorilla vs.Bear
• Team Lohan returns!
• Harold and Kumar Go To Where?
• I will never leave a meeting without posing a rhetorical question
• Ties are for situations requiring hand shakes
• I will not eat in a food court this summer
• Pink shirts are for real men
• When in doubt, shout it out.

Here you are. Random sentences from a compilation of Lester Bangs‘ writing. All perfectly acceptable, if not preferable, as blog names.

• Bog of complications
• A Reasonable Guide to Horrible Noise
• Rock Gommorah
• Phony Kodachrome Nature Study
• The Courage of My Lunacy
• A Display of Marginally Political Unity
• Questions and Postulations and Fantasies
• Sneaking the odd little fingerlicking taste
• Smug post-hippie audience
• Aural blitzes off the phonograph
• Partyin’ with the freelance bigot
• Big money and technicolour jackets
• Home from school fakin flu
• Today I am a Pud
• Third Day of a Three Day Rock Festival
• Never had an AM hit single
• Not a big leg man

Technorati Tags: Lester Bangs, blog names, taxonomy

I had a chance to speak to a passel of Canadian government communicators about social media yesterday, and I promised them I would post a number of useful links to help them work around implementing social media in their workplaces.

So here goes:

• How the Social Web Came to Be, Part 1 and Part 2 and a linear time line in pdf
• Social Media Marketing vs. Social Marketing, via the Church of the Customer blog
• Network of Public Sector Communicators - a New Zealand blog written by a govt type
• 26 free tools to monitor buzz and online conversation. This is a must read, folks!
• Blog search tools: Google, Technorati, Blogpulse, IceRocket, Bloglines,
• E-government and Web 2.0, from Cisco.
• Introduction to Twitter (via KDPaine and Jeremiah)
• Big Brands and Facebook, a Forrester presentation
• the Three Types of Government Blogger, by me
• Four Tenets of the Community Manager, by Jeremiah, and even more detail and advice from Jake McKee

I’ve obviously missed a lot of resources, and I encourage my readers to mention more in the comments, so I can pass them along to the more disadvantaged.

In-store television channels are not a new development, but I will grab an opportunity to riff on a tactic wherever possible. Kroger has just announced that they have built a television network (KTV) to serve the internal communications needs of their central division.

“… Each store has two servers with storage capacity and on-demand video, Kroger spokesman John Elliott said. Programs will include anything from quarterly financial messages from the company president to safety instructions for meat cutters …” (Rockford Register Star)

This may be some programming you could expect on similar channels:

• The 5 Second Rule and the Safe Handling of Meat
• Your 401(k) and Your Future: We’ll always have hours on the night shift
• Wax on, Wax off: Entry Level Jobs
• Channeling Bob Ross in Bathroom Decoration
• Creative Accounting in Determining Expiry Dates
• Our New CEO is Better Than Our Old One
• Cashier and Stockboy: A Story of Forbidden Love
• The Grocer’s Chiropractor: One Box Too Many
• How To Spot A Mystery Shopper
• My Barbie Oven is My CoPilot: a Food Sampler’s preparation guide
• Bleach and Ammonia: A Shortcut to the Cemetery
• How to Detail a Buick - your manager’s Buick
• That Market Analyst Is A LIAR
• One Lick Too Many: One night shift employee’s mastery of Guitar Hero 3 - and resulting unemployment

Technorati Tags: in-store tv, internal communications, grocery

You open up a freshly-purchased magazine, and dozens of subscription cards fall out. They clog up every third page, stick to feature layouts, and make you slip on the floor.

It’s a giant waste of paper. And Outside magazine recognizes that its readers, in particular, may not appreciate the mess:

“… Beginning with the March issue, the magazine is cutting roughly 20 million annual sub cards in an effort to save trees and be more sustainable, a palpable concern among its rootsy readers …” (Folio)

Outside seems to think growth from online subscription renewals will eventually replace treeware renewals.

But magazine publishers continue to insist that subscription cards are an essential part of their marketing strategy. After all, what better marketing is there than overpricing single issue sales and then undermining that strategy with a campaign of large scale and drastic pricing cuts based on volume sales?

I think U.S. automakers can answer that question.

Nevertheless, Wired magazine tells us in a blog post that

“…they’re part of our business model. It’s not just about money, really — it’s about your eyeballs. See, advertisers pay based on audience size. And blow-in cards are a cheap way to snag subscribers and boost numbers: It costs a glossy monthly about $10 to acquire a new reader through one of those cards. But using direct mail? $25 — or more…”

As Rex pointed out, Wired delivered this ecologically unfriendly and largely unwanted news in a lighthearted design - in the print version of the magazine, their note about blow-in cards was printed in the design of a … blow-in card.

Unfortunately, the “Death to Blow-Ins” Facebook cause only has 29 members, so this marketing gimmick may have years of longevity left.

Technorati Tags: magazine subscription, blow-in cards

Working through a meeting yesterday, and I came up with the following calculations to help you understand the probability of certain behaviours or actions occurring during a meeting:

Will the meeting be useful?

# of participants / # of decisions needed = X, where X<1 means the meeting is useful.

Will someone fall asleep?

If the (room lighting (in watts) / # of participants) > the room temperature (in farenheit), then someone will fall asleep

Will you leave to get a snack?

If on a conference call, length of call / # of participants = % chance you will leave to get a snack

Will you get stuck with work?

# of senior executives present / # or participants = % chance you will get stuck with work

Is it a colossal waste of time?

(# of “health breaks” + # of courses at lunch) / # of “breakout” sessions = X, where x<1 is an office retreat, x>1 is an association conference, and x=0 is an awards gala.

Will you start considering a new career?

# of windows in meeting room / # of powerpoint slides = X, where x<1 means you start thinking of better things to do.

Will the meeting organizer be mocked?

# of blackberries in room / # of participants = % chance meeting organizer will be mocked during his/her own meeting.

Was the meeting led by a consultant?

% chance meeting was led by a consultant = ((length of meeting) times (# of branded items left at each seat)) / number of times the following words are used (energize, operationalize, low-hanging, offline, priority, “report back,” or brainstorm)

Technorati Tags: productivity, time management, meetings

Portland blogger discusses how to be the best faux sports journalist around. Tip #1? Don’t drink in the press box. No-one tell Jim Carr or Harry Doyle.

Young journalist complains about getting up at … wait for it … 6 am. (SPJ blogs)

“My life is begging for trailers” - from Creative Loafing Atlanta:

“…It wasn’t the official Disney campsite, but one of those bargain ones owned by a chain-smoking, retired forklift operator who kept his horny dog tied to a post by the check-in window. To my sisters and me, though, it was the Taj Mahal of trailer parks. We’d lie awake under the moon in a three-way spoon, counting stars and listening to the uncharacteristically subdued murmurings of our parents. It’s one of the few snapshots of immeasurable happiness from my past.

Technorati Tags: Sports journalism, Disney trailer

I’ve come to a conclusion: a third place cannot really be created. In fact, every “home away from home” I’ve visited has some dirt in the corners, cracks in the parquet, suds in the bucket …

One thing it does not have is wi-fi.

If you set out to make a “third place,” to create an environment, you (and your interior designer) will end up with a representation of your ideal third place. Or the sort of environment you imagine your prototype user personas would consider a third place. The visual cues are there:

• not only are the magazines from the current month, their spines haven’t been broken
• scented candles are evident and emitting
• wind chimes inside the building
• chalk signs with amusing sayings in even script
• no sign at all of fresh bait

A true third place really becomes part of your life, and actively engages with your life. It’s not the sort of place that helps you write a book - it’s the sort of place that becomes a book.

In the case of a riverside pub and store in Garrison, New York, the book was called “Little Chapel on the River.”

That would be Guinan’s Pub. It certainly appears to be just such a third place, despite its well-worn looks. The flickr pool shows how small, cozy and Hudsony it is.

And a recent profile in the New York Times described the environment for us:

“…Nostalgia can be cheap. We’re not all soulless now, and we weren’t all noble then. The barista at Starbucks might have a heart of gold and the old-timer running the local bar might be a jerk. But in ways that are far more true than not, Guinan’s came to stand for cherished values — family ties, friendship, community, authenticity, localism — seen as being in steady decline. That’s why everyone and his dog who ever had a beer there, ever made it across the river from West Point, ever sat in the morning with a cup of coffee and a boiled egg enjoying the Hudson, every member of the Guinan’s universe who could make it, was there to say goodbye.

…“I’m not sure exactly how, but we became a comfort zone for people,” he said, “a place that reminds people of a place they went to when they were young, something that makes them think good thoughts. People need a place like this, but the reward you get for the kindness you provide is worth much more than whatever you give out. It blows me away to be a part of it.” (NY Times)

Why a profile? Because, after fifty years, the Guinan family is moving out and closing up shop.

We’re seeing a stream of similar stories in 2008 as local bookstores and record shops close up, driven out of neighbourhoods by gentrification and rising rents, and driven out of business by far greater choice available online.

Which makes me wonder - if someone was to remake St. Elmo’s Fire, where would it be set?

Technorati Tags: third place, neighborhood bar, tavern, community, small town

I really feel bad about it. I do. Obviously, a lot of planning went into your meeting. There was an agenda with an allotted time for each item. There were highback chairs and a big heavy conference table. There was even a scent of Roberts’ Rules of Order in how the meeting was being run.

But I still fell asleep. Don’t get me wrong - only for a few seconds - but long enough for my head and shoulders to droop. And I’ll tell you why:

• Nomenclature. Someone started discussing nomenclature and naming conventions.
• There was a perfunctory review of minutes. Just once, I’d like someone to raise a highly personal objection to the minutes.
• A business process analyst was present, and was eager to contribute. I like their logic gate workflow diagrams, but they’re just too serious for any meeting of mine.
• A fundamental lack of windows. Listen. I have the attention span of a hummingbird. Please give me an alternate source of visual stimulation.
• Mood lighting. If there’s more than one dimmer switch in the room, there will either be too little light, or too much. That’s fine if we’re at a billards match or partaking of a slaughtered fattened calf, but not for a collaborative work space.
• Clear sightlines. If the sightlines are clear from one seat to another, how am I supposed to get other work done? Or read the latest New Yorker?

I mean, if it wasn’t for twitter, I would have been sawing logs like Paul Bunyan.

*Obviously, I am writing about a completely hypothetical meeting. Not the one you’re thinking of.

Technorati Tags: meetings, etiquette, office code, behaviour

• A Google Maps guide to driving between Santa Claus, Indiana and Christmas, Florida.
• AKQA’s neon hamster wheel (which apparently isn’t sh*t)
• Frank Best’s greeting card for failed cold calls (you want to read this)
• IStudio’s Do Not Want ads.
• McKinney’s SnowGlobe Boy (staffer lived in an inflatable globe in the lobby)
• Dave mentioned the greeting from Twist Image
• Kate has built a comprehensive list of online Christmas cards (here, here, and here)

Merry Christmas to you all!

Technorati Tags: Christmas cards, advertising agency

• Oh lord. Parma Ham and Pesto toasties. mmmmmmm!
• Russell’s widgety goodness (1, 2, 3, 4). I’m professionally partial to part three.
• Tobias Wong, interviewed by Rob Walker,

(Wong) … Before, corporations commissioned work with parameters—they wanted specific things. It seems that they’re taking bigger chances now. That’s what I’m seeing.

(Walker) Yeah, that’s true. I just read about Thurston Moore doing some compilation CD for Starbucks. Frankly, these big companies doing stuff like that kind of bums me out.

(Wong) Well, they’re desperate. But there’s got to be a way to make it work for us.”

Technorati Tags: industrial design, consumerism, tasty sandwiches

Christmas Eve. Last minute shopping. Malls full of desperate shoppers. And it’s going to be parking hell. The Raleigh News & Observer describes some of the rude and desperate behaviour to be found at local mall parking lots, and provides some anthropological rough work on the types of drivers you’ll come across:

THE STALKER: This driver looks for a shopper loaded down with bags and follows behind like a vulture hungry for carrion.

THE ILLEGAL IDLER: This person parks in a fire lane, or a handicapped spot, and sits there with the engine running while a spouse ducks inside. If an idler is especially daring, he or she will use this time to change a baby’s diaper.

THE STAKEOUT ARTIST: Most hated of all, this person sees a pair of brake lights go red and stops, knowing that a fellow shopper is soon to leave. The worst stakeout artists will sit there for 10 minutes if necessary, blocking traffic for 20 other cars, while the fellow shopper loads 10 bags, a stroller and a grandmother into the car.

It’s the grandmothers that’ll kill ya. Often, you can’t see them lurking behind the shopping cart.

Technorati Tags: holiday, parking, mall

Yet another selection of snippets from my feed reader:

• The Booty Block - your guide to breaking into rollergirl competition.
• Rex Humbard, the original televangelist
• Dark Side of Brands - fantastic graphic, I’m kinda late to it.
• Stevie Ann covers Brit Brit’s Toxic in acoustic guitar - quite quite well - over at Coverville.
• Rules to live by in Advertising - from Richard via Craphammer.
• “We write ads or people die” - via MemeHuffer.
• Gladwell’s back - on the blog and in the magazine. And it seems he has a new book. Fire up the overhyping machine!

Technorati Tags: rollergirl, rollerderby, Britney, Brit Brit, Gladwell, advertising, televangelism

Another oldie but a goodie:

Reasons to fire your client

• Your primary contact point is in the procurement office.
• They’ve just implemented an enterprise-wide e-commerce solution: EBay.
• At the last trade show, they handed out branded trucker hats.
• A 60 Minutes crew is sitting in their office - and you didn’t invite them.
• Your client only has a hotmail account - at the Kinko’s.
• You just can’t get over the internal motivational video - the CFO and CMO covering Whitesnake’s “Here I go again.”
• The CEO hit on Maria Bartiromo - on air!
• In Vegas for a trade show, the CMO asks you to keep the reporter busy because he wants to take a hooker upstairs and do blow off her stomach.
• The Russian security service drops by “for a chat.”
• Whenever you use the word “media,” the aged founder starts chattering about Marshall McLuhan and acid.
• They believe that a front page photo will steal their soul.
• The client asks “Can you get us PR but also keep us way under the radar? Thanks.”
• Their IR officer spends most of her time day trading.
• “Do you mind delaying your invoice for two weeks?”
• Their idea of targeted marketing is a t-shirt cannon.

Posted on September 30, 2004.

Recognizing that today is election day in the United States, and that November 13 is municipal election day in Ontario, I hereby present a list of poor Get Out The Vote ideas:

• Door knocking by the Blue Man Group
• Telephone outreach by Tom Carvel and Harvey Fierstein
• Street Teams - composed entirely of mimes
• Voting guides - printed co-op with the local greek take-out place
• Indictment and/or disbarment of your candidate
• Providing shuttle service to the polls - on recumbent bicycles
• “Get to know your post-election appellate lawyer” meetings for party faithful in tight races
• Voter micro-targeting - based on an analysis of old usenet postings
• Localized� comment spam� on community-based blogs
• Catering your voter rallies with� Belmont Steaks*
• Losing a land war in Asia

For your enjoyment: a vintage Carvel ice cream radio ad.

*For those of you too young to remember, Belmont Steaks was the name on the cab of the truck delivering food supplies to the summer camp in the movie Meatballs. Anyone remember what the truck was carrying?

Top Ten Signs your Christmas retail help’s gone bad:

10. The coffee club’s losing $26 a day.
9. The latest shipment included 40 packs of smokes.
8. Those Santa end of aisle displays? He’s now touching himself - inappropriately.
7. Somehow, the store cat is pregnant.
6. The greeter, dressed as an elf, is saying “How’d you like to be my Ho Ho Ho?”
5. Weekly staff potluck lunch is now a key party.
4. Someone’s charging for parking in the store lot.
3. The muzak now plays Liz Phair.
2. 7pm? That’s 85% off hour!
1. You’re guaranteeing early January delivery.

Technorati: retail

MadAve Journal: Wall To Wall Street, 10 Inside Tips for @d:Tech. By Gordon Gekko

“8.0 Act like you’re the only one in the room. Guess, what? In many ways you are. None of them mean anything, anyway. This is your movie. You’re the only one who counts. It’s called “one to one” marketing, right? Consider the lifetime value of you to you. Humm a few bars from my favorite Beatles song, “I-Me-Mine.”

9.0 Okay, they made $25 million selling 70 blogs to AOL, but are they happy? Get over it. Don’t get sucked into the hype. You know perfectly well, you could have gotten double. Jason and Shawn were the real suckers. That cat-caught-the-canary smile is in reality masking their insecurity about how they let themselves get ripped off. And don’t buy all that talk when they go off about the high cost of jet fuel. You see right through it.

What does it take to be a television weatherman? Other than good teeth, good hair, and the ability to use “overnight” as a noun? Daniel Engber at Slate can tell you. More importantly, he also points to a nerve-grating list of catchy phrases for meterologists:

- Protect the 3 P’s: pets, plants and pipes
- This cold front is packing a powerful punch; this is a Bob Barker “come on down” cold front.
- Wet conditions continue overnight.. Perfect for all ducks.
- Air you can wear… but hair you can’t wear
- In reference to Anomalous Precipitation on radar, call it “Doppler Garbage”

It just conjures up unsettling memories of Willard Scott, dressed up in a costume for Thanskgiving (or as Ronald McDonald, above)

They’re certainly a poor comparison toAl Sleet, your hippy dippy weatherman.

A lot of debate going on about what Web 2.0 means for the ordinary consumer. Signals vs. Noise had some comments about what 2.0 isn’t, and one commenter noted:

I know exactly what web 2.0 is:

* pretentious
* oversized fonts
* pastel colors
* buzzwords
* featureless �user experiences�
* overly friendly and self-important copy
* acronyms

Basically it�s 1998 with less money and more metrosexuals.

Maconomy, a management consultancy, surveyed directors at 75 creative service agencies across the UK to arrive at a list of their top ten critical business errors.

- Working in Creative Silos
- Dismissing the Cost of Pitching
- Alienating Procurement
- Over-servicing Overload
- Keeping Costs Hidden
- Techno-phobia
- Bypassing Evaluation
- You Schmooze, You Lose
- Working in the Wild
- Bowing to Third Party Suppliers

Creative Match (a UK search engine) has more details.

• Your primary contact point is in the procurement office.
• They’ve just implemented an enterprise-wide e-commerce solution: EBay.
• At the last trade show, they handed out branded trucker hats.
• A 60 Minutes crew is sitting in their office - and you didn’t invite them.
• Your client only has a hotmail account - at the Kinko’s.
• You just can’t get over the internal motivational video - the CFO and CMO covering Whitesnake’s “Here I go again.”
• The CEO hit on Maria Bartiromo - on air!
• In Vegas for a trade show, the CMO asks you to keep the reporter busy because he wants to take a hooker upstairs and do blow off her stomach.
• The Russian security service drops by “for a chat.”
• Whenever you use the word “media,” the aged founder starts chattering about Marshall McLuhan and acid.
• They believe that a front page photo will steal their soul.
• The client asks “Can you get us PR but also keep us way under the radar? Thanks.”
• Their IR officer spends most of her time day trading.
• “Do you mind delaying your invoice for two weeks?”
• Their idea of targeted marketing is a t-shirt cannon.

First I went to Bloglines, to look over my blogroll. Then I jumped to Dana’s Blog, who pointed me to a new marketing blog called What’s Your Brand Mantra?

Browsing through her blog, I noted this entry about a map titled “The World According to the United States,” which can be found on David St. Lawrence’s blog. Politics aside, the map characterizes Canadians as only being concerned about Moose and Hockey. What about donuts?

This reminded me of Canadian World Domination, a website which came out about the same time as the SoSth Park movie. This is a fairly extensive site showing how an aggressive Canada viewed the world. Here’s a map of what they see as Canada’s future dominion.

And here’s the hilarious song from South Park: Blame Canada (wav)

Finally, a few more seconds of Google searching on Canadian World Domination coughed up this great Molson Canadian ad! (Go ahead, watch it. Will Shatner does some free-form verse!)

The Advisory Committee’s finalized the marketing plan. You’ve finished the design and production on the new graphic identity and are ready to jump into the rejeuvenation of the Santa Claus, Inc. brand.

Your first stop? An international trade show, of course. But is your marketing team ready? Have you picked the right people to staff the booth? Do they have past experience with trade shows? Do they know how to “work the crowd”?

Many first-time exhibitors work with an experienced contractor; someone who knows how to sweat the details of working in a high-pressure and time-sensitive environment like the Javits Convention Center.

At Santa Claus, Inc., our trade show activities require special preparation. Here are some handy hints:

1) The union considers the sleigh a movable booth, and as such, additional fees will be imposed.

2) The sleigh can’t be pulled by your normal reindeer - instead, you must hire union reindeer at $325 an hour. No less than 14 union reindeer at any time, minimum of 4 hours work per. Of course, only eight of them will actually be working at one time, so you have to book additional booth space for a “grazing
area.”

3) While other companies will be handing out pens, mousepads and stress balls, remember that the handing out of any “presents” in any form will be considered distributing, and you must apply for exemption from the event sponsors - and getting that idea by the Disney folks will be impossible.

4) Cookies and milk will no longer be left out for visitors - instead, you need to fill out a purchase request from the trade show’s authorized caterer. They are $36 a dozen, and taste like sawdust (so the reindeer will like them).

5) Be careful about what promo material you bring. Any presents left unclaimed and out in the open will be inspected by police and may be destroyed. We lost 2500 Tickle Me Elmos that way last year.

6) Dress appropriately. There are many stairs, steps, and backstage hallways - you might be advised to wear comfortable shoes, based on your weight. For the Elves, this means support hose with the padded feet.

7) Commuting from the North Pole is a non-starter, even with the sleigh. Since Santa, the Chief Elf and the marketing Advisory Council will want to hit the hospitality suites every night, you will have to stay at the trade show overnight. You might consider taking a room at a local hotel. Use the code “SNTCLS” for conference rate - which is only 125% of the rack rate.

Look around you. Look at the guy at the workbench next to you, sewing the Strawberry Shortcake doll together. Is that elf really a “people person”? Are any of them? Consider hiring special trade show “models” who can smile for hours on end. They also get paid less than elf scale.

Thanks to Peter Shankman for his work on this!

So. Your internal communications plan notes that Santa is to host your Christmas event this year, but you have some questions about the the cost, the reequirements and possible complications. Check out our down-to-earth FAQ for the answers to many of the questions you might have.

Q: How much does Santa cost per hour?

A: Santa traditionally works for a rate of 7 cookies/hour + 1 glass of milk for every hour after the second, between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. After 3 p.m., Santa’s rates change to 4 shots of bourbon and 2 six minute “elf” breaks /hour.

Q: Does Santa come with his own costume?

A: Yes, due to federal laws, Santa Claus Inc. is required to provide a full and freshly pressed official Santa uniform.

Contrary to previous arrangements, we no longer offer specials on “Pantless Santa” appearances.

Q: Do we need additional liability insurance?

That depends if you assume responsibility for transporting Santa, his elves, the large red velour throne and faux panelled wood sleigh to your event. If Santa must deliver it in his 1977 Ford Bronco, we will require an indemnity waiver.

Q: Does Santa come with Reindeer?

A: Due to a tragic violation of federal airspace over LaGuardia Airport in New York, we have discontinued our reindeer rental service. There is, however, a sale on reindeer steaks at the Food King in Queens.

Q: Is there a weight limit for Santa’s lap?

A: Be it boy, girl, man or woman, Santa likes ‘em lean. Elf and waif sizes are also acceptable.

Q: Is Santa a holly jolly sort?

A: While our Santas are relatively kid-friendly, we believe in encouraging an open, honest and thoroughly festive environment for all party guests. Therefore, Santa is strictly professional and distant towards anyone under the age of 18. To engage Santa’s full friendliness, have him interact with females from 18 - 22 years old.

Q: What are some examples of Santa’s interaction with the kids?

A: Santa comes equipped with the traditional array of Santaisms including “Ho Ho Ho” and “Merry Christmas one and all.”

For an additional 3 cookies and shot of bourbon per hour, Santa will ad-lib.
Examples include:

“Reach into Santa’s pants for a Christmas miracle”

“You call this crap eggnog?”

“You don’t want that toy. It’s made by kids your age in third world countries.”

“I heard you’ve been a naughty, naughty girl this year. Care to show me how naughty?”

“Jebus? I don’t even believe in Jebus!”

“You know that Santa on 14th Street? I made him my bitch last night”

Q: Is Santa available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs?

A: Bar Mitzvahs? Are you insane? Bat Mitzvahs, maybe.

Q: Can Santa answer the essential questions of the Universe, like: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: A woodchuck would chuck as much as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

A: The world may never know.

Q: Why is the sky blue?

A: If it were green, we wouldn’t know where to stop mowing.

Q: Can I get an culturally-representative Santa?

A: Of course! Santa is available to represent the season of giving in many cultures. If your “gift basket” for Santa includes some top shelf shit or a little blow, we’ll paint the big guy freakin’ green.

Q: Will Santa lead us in caroling?

A: No. Santa does not sing. He has enough problems of his own already.

Q: Will Santa’s belly really shake like a bowl full of jelly?

A: Sadly, most of our Santas are not really fat. If anything, his belly shakes like a cheap felt suit full of padding. And smells like the dressing room from the Peoria Little Theatre performance of the Lion King.

Q: Is Santa cool if the shit goes down?

A: Absolutely. Santa comes fully equipped! When the shit goes down, Santa and his elf’s got your back, yo. He’s ready, willing and able. Even when drunk, Santa’s one bad motha’.

Q: Did you notice that if you move the “n” in Santa to the end of his name, you get “Satan?”

A: We did not notice that. While it is interesting, this does not imply an endorsement, either directly or indirectly, for our beloved lord and master, Lucifer.