I’ve decided to improve my life at work. Not by increasing my productivity. Not by chasing down new opportunities. Certainly not by replacing my Bob and Doug MacKenzie action figures.

Instead, I’m going to begin assuming qualities and mannerisms normally seen from primetime television characters:

1. when presented with a problem, I’ll tilt my head 45 degrees, look at the ground, and take off my sunglasses
2. if something seems evidently contradictory, I’ll do a double take, look you right in the eyes, and go “huuuuhhh?”
3. I’m going to mark off a corner of the conference room and use it as my own personal confessional
4. how about introducing an amusing and quirky sidekick with an eccentric professional specialty into our circle of friends at work?
5. forbid that the topmost button on any shirt or blouse be buttoned up
6. poor performance review? welcome to exile island - the photocopier room
7. begin carrying all my pens and notebooks in an aluminum briefcase. Before beginning a meeting, I’ll pull on a pair of latex surgical gloves, kneel down, and ask “what do we have here?”
8. speed up corporate audits by introducing an 80 year-old British self-taught private investigator to the process
9. replace every mid-level manager with a gruff yet attractive former Marine who starred in an 80s summer teen movie
10. find a sassy wife that is disproportionately attractive and a better friend to my colleagues than me
11. get a 60″ interactive whiteboard, like CNN’s John King
12. introduce the tribal ‘do rag as a corporate promotional item
13. weld the doors shut on all cars in the corporate fleet
14. when all seems doomed, introduce Heather Locklear, John Larroquette or TedMcGinley into the mix