To the new interns:

Welcome! I assume by now you’ve met Trish, our administrative assistant. (She’s married. Forget about it. This isn’t Wedding Crashers) She will be able to help you settle into your new space (behind the coat rack) and find the supplies you will need for a productive term (making copies of your ass and phoning your friends in Europe) here at the agency.

We’re really excited to have a new crew of energetic public relations grads (whose spirit hasn’t yet been crushed by the blunt reality of the real world) with us, ready to leap at any challenge (like wearing a mascot costume on a 95 degree day, little kids kicking at your shins). We’ve made an effort to pull together a group of talented and outgoing young professionals (Is it the Hamptons or a quick flight up to the Cape this weekend?), and we think the agency will benefit from your insight and fresh thinking.

After reviewing the workload facing our more experienced account executives (like finding a new job after the merger), I think we’ve lined up a full slate of interesting (Get me a bagel and a coffee, will ya?) and rewarding projects (Here’s 500 brand stickers. Hit the bricks, and don’t come back until you’re busted by the Port Authority for vandalism) for you to tackle over the next eight to twelve weeks.

Over your term, there will likely be opportunities to take part in new business pitches (the Practice Leader needs you to drive him to the airport - tomorrow morning at 3), client account reviews, focus groups, presentations, and maybe even some travel!

The agency is in the process of developing a PR 2.0 practice, and I’m sure that some of you will want to share your experiences growing up (Want to buy some Second Life jewellery?)and living in an interconnected world (where Yo la Tengo and Ted Leo are considered mainstream and popular).

Just remember: the agency’s success depends upon your ability to bring it. Expertise. Insight. Confidence. Creativity. It must be brung, and brung well.

Trish will be providing you with our standard welcome package, which includes helpful guides on the office’s standard software, suggestions on appropriate office wear (it’s the motion of the ocean that counts), and the agency’s code of ethics and acceptable business behaviour (sex in the office is NOT okay. save it for after work. at my place on the beach).

Oh. If, god forbid, you do have any problems with your pay or benefits (what benefits? you mean the sesame street band aids?), make sure to get in touch with Trish.

Thank you for choosing our agency, and don’t hesitate to contact me (Do you really think I care? As Chris Rock says, minimum wage means I’d pay you less, but it’s against the law) if you have any concerns over the course of your internship.

Eric ‘Otter’ Stratton

(Sorry if you got multiple versions of this in the feed. I tried a neat little floating span trick - that apparently breaks IE)