Canuckflack

• Your primary contact point is in the procurement office.
• They’ve just implemented an enterprise-wide e-commerce solution: EBay.
• At the last trade show, they handed out branded trucker hats.
• A 60 Minutes crew is sitting in their office - and you didn’t invite them.
• Your client only has a hotmail account - at the Kinko’s.
• You just can’t get over the internal motivational video - the CFO and CMO covering Whitesnake’s “Here I go again.”
• The CEO hit on Maria Bartiromo - on air!
• In Vegas for a trade show, the CMO asks you to keep the reporter busy because he wants to take a hooker upstairs and do blow off her stomach.
• The Russian security service drops by “for a chat.”
• Whenever you use the word “media,” the aged founder starts chattering about Marshall McLuhan and acid.
• They believe that a front page photo will steal their soul.
• The client asks “Can you get us PR but also keep us way under the radar? Thanks.”
• Their IR officer spends most of her time day trading.
• “Do you mind delaying your invoice for two weeks?”
• Their idea of targeted marketing is a t-shirt cannon.

As quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times:

Much of the campaign is, “Put on this jean shirt, roll it up. I know it gives you hives! Just put it on! Get out there and tell the guy in the Dunkin’ Donuts you’re fightin’ for him.” And so a lot of their plea is, “I’m just like you.” And you just wanna say, “Really? You watch 10 hours of TV a day? ‘Cause it seems like you got a country to run.”

Such a lot of fuss about tonight’s presidential debates. 32 pages of rules. No direct questioning between the candidates. No cuban heels. Will the cameras reveal that GWB has the better head of hair? Will Perot pop out of a Jim Lehrer suit and frantically start waving multi-coloured economic charts?

What sort of debate is that? Where’s the fun? Where’s the heckling? At my college, the Trinity College Literary Institute emphasized debating as a formal skill and recreational activity. (The difference between the two? A keg.)

To win a Lit debate, you had to have a head on your shoulders, the ability to absorb rhetorical blows, a rapport with the audience, and the ability to project your voice - far. Debates were held in formal reception rooms, auditoriums, even in the quadrangle of the college. The most amusing, however, was the Subway Debate.

Two debate teams, two suitably inebriated people on each, would pile into the St. George station of the Toronto subway. Behind them would be a sizable entourage of 20 to 40 people, and they would all stream into one (already occupied) subway car.

The Speaker of the Lit would call the meeting to order and announce the topic to be debated. At the next stop, the debate would begin. Each debater stood up, stated their position, and launched into a raucous and possibly libelous argument of their position. Each was allowed 2 to 3 minutes to make his/her argument - the amount of time it took the subway train to travel to the next stop.

Other debaters, audience members and the fellow subway riders threw in comments and insults as needed, especially if the debated was flailing and failing.

The whole group continue to debate, heckle and mock as they traveled about 4 stops westward. At that point, we would all cross over to the other side of the Bloor St. subway line and continue with rebuttals as we headed back to the college - and more beer and wings.

You never know where you’ll come across a Lit veteran - like this guy.

The Canadian Tobacco Manufacturers Association has had enough. Apparently, adult smokers aren’t organized enough to present a united front against government over-regulation and those darn healthy do-gooders.

In response, they’ve created mychoice.ca, a web site and smoker’s association to prompt interest and lobbying on smoker’s rights. Will the effort have any impact?

“Positions will only emerge if adults who smoke use this platform to voice their issues,” said [the VP} of Corporate Affairs at Imperial Tobacco Canada. “We cannot predict what issues or positions will emerge if this undertaking is successful. … Adult smokers will have to be the judge about whether or not this will work,” he said. “They are intelligent enough to judge for themselves whether or not to participate in this platform.”

Of course, smokers are free to associate and lobby for their rights, but the tobacco companies seem to be concerned that their customers just aren’t seized with the issue. Maybe all the three pack-a-day guys are just having trouble building up a head of steam for the tough slog of lobbying against well-organized anti-smoking groups.

I guess the tobacco PR teams think they need to inject a breath of fresh air into the debate. It’s funny though, that all the “smokers” they feature in the slide show on their splash page have crow’s feet around their eyes and are distinctly aged.

Oh - and that one of the images in the slide show is clearly identified as from Stockbyte - and it’s not any of these pictures. (There’s a standard disclaimer at the bottom of the page. They couldn’t find smokers around the office, the PR firm or at the building entrance to pose for three or four photos?)

Some people may consider the following statistics as disturbing. I prefer to view them as an affirmation of my lifestyle as a flack.

In a recent survey by Harris Interactive commissioned by wireless provider T-Mobile USA Inc., 15 percent of wireless-device users said they have e-mailed from a restroom, 19 percent while eating in a restaurant, and 21 percent while talking to friends or family.

The WashPost has more. (Reprinted on MSNBC)

You’re searching, searching, searching … Where is the hook in this new study your clients are insisting be pumped up and pushed out? What possible link can you make to a contemporary story, a popular concern that will pique a reporter’s interest?

Here’s some advice from a network editor: don’t depend on a “theme” month to move your pitch up the editorial calendar:

A friendly reminder from Roger Sergel of Good Morning America …

Subject: RE: A disease “month” does not make a news story

Note to all in our public realtions group. Any pitch that begins “October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month” will be deleted. Months do not make news. Months are not the reason to do news stories. And if I looked I could probably find diseases with weeks or months that are also in October, just as there are diseases or months that are also February, other than heart disease. The ground rules for what is of interest to us do not change just because someone declares that a disease will get a month.

If you have a legitimate news story on breast cancer, that you were saving for October that is fine, but it needs to be a good story also in May or any other month.

Thanks.

Roger Sergel
Managing Editor, Medical Coverage, ABC News

“CARMEN ELECTRA is so popular with marketers these days that the advertising industry may be facing a new phenomenon: Carmen clutter.

The former “Baywatch” star currently appears in three ads for high-profile marketers, making her presence on the small screen less extraordinary than it might usually be. … (WSJ pay story)

Carmen clutter. A far more manageable, and desirable, cultural problem than Hammer time or Mullet mania.

There are days when your staff just doesn’t feel friendly. There are days when your telecom system is on the fritz. And then there are the days when you don’t pay your IVR consultants:

“You are through to NTL customer services. We don’t give a (expletive) about you. We are never here. We just (expletive) you about, basically, and we are not going to handle any of your complaints. Just (expletive) off and leave us alone.” (Reuters)

Come on. You remember her. Spiky silver hair. Spandex. Shouting.

Susan Powter told the LATimes (pay article) that she was disgusted by the infomercial industry:

… because it wasn’t “authentic,” is marketing her female-targeted weight-loss book, “The Politics of Stupid,” and her “Trailer Park Yoga” video on her website.

“I still have my power,” said the Seattle-based Powter, 46, who grew back her hair and had her third son six years ago. “What happened to me was an atmospheric happening. I just took my voice back from those morons.”

This weekend, I picked up a book in the library - a book that pushes and cajoles you to revels in the adventures, eccentricities and personalities you discover while boucing across the ‘net. Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack Adventure has been out for a while, but I only discovered it while thumbing through random sections of the library.

I’ve discovered many like-minded wired communities and professional groups in seven years of bouncing across the ether, including several interesting and engaging people. But I can count my true friends on the fingers of my hands - okay, I may have to use a few toes as well.

Which is why I was shocked - stunned - to find out that David Monroe had passed away this weekend. We never managed to meet in person, but we had spoken on the phone before, and exchanged emails almost daily. Friendships of such honesty, frankness and good nature are always remarkable - even more so when hatched in an environment more frequently used for deceit, deception and fraud.

I’m going to miss him.

For those of you on RSS, come on over to Canuckflack to check out the new design. Only a few bugs to fix.

For those WWW viewers - I know the background colour is strong. What colour might you suggest?

Russ Meyer is dead.

After his one serious attempt at film-making flopped, he told Roger Ebert:

“I made the mistake of reading my reviews. What the public wants are big laughs and big tits and lots of ‘em. Lucky for me that’s what I like, too.”

Another quote:

He once told [Ebert] there was no such thing as a sex scene that couldn’t be improved by cutaways to Demolition Derby or rocket launches.

I was always intrigued by one of the first quotes in Star Wars: “It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs!”

Was I the only one who imagined the Kessel Run to be something like a bad road movie with Lee Marvin and George Peppard?

It’s always interesting to find political staff willing to dish the dirt on their parliamentary masters - or at least Members of Parliament that work near their offices. Recess Monkey appears to be one such repository of gossip, intelligence and sarcasm. A recent entry included this:

Recess Monkey does not like to discriminate against people on the basis of their shape. Recent comment on the telegenicity of Ian McCartney were considered and reconsidered many times to ensure they would not offend readers. Notwithstanding this, it is a fact of life that some people are built for ambush rather than pursuit. Burnley MP Peter Pike is one such man.

Staffers in the Debate Cafeteria in Portcullis House yesterday afternoon were astonished to see Pike lose his temper over the cafeteria running out of sandwiches by 4pm - two hours after lunch. Eventually a member of the cafeteria management staff arrived to placate the MP, who by that time was having difficulty gathering enough energy to articulate his dissatisfaction.

The doughty manager fortunately cobbled together some bits and bobs to present to Pike; it is believed a crumpet or other such bread product soothed the hungry beast inside his belly.

The staffers witnessing this event advise colleages to carry a bread roll about at all times in case a hungry and cornered Pike is encountered in one of our halls or corridors.

In February, Denys Arcand’s The Barbarian Invasions took home the Academy Award for best foreign language movie. Notwithstanding the oustanding acting, direction, cinematography and overall artistry, some part of Arcand’s success among the Academy can be attributed to a careful marketing and public relations campaign.

Canada takes steps to promote its cultural industries at every opportunity - and these efforts can help push the candidacy of a masterpiece like The Barbarian Invasions for honours in Cannes, Berlin and Hollywood.

“The Oscars are like a political campaign. It’s like getting elected as the mayor of a small town where nobody knows you. A lot needs to go into it,” Denise Robert, the movie’s producer and Arcand’s wife, told the National Post this weekend. (behind a stupid subscriber wall)

Telefilm Canada (a federal film funding agency), the Quebec provincial government, and Canadian diplomats abroad worked together to get out the vote. Components of their campaign included:

Are you a performing arts grad, looking for work? Maybe you’re thinking about taking that step up to a national network? Here’s your opportunity:

Naked News Daily Male … is seeking a few good men to join their proud cast of naked anchors as they broadcast news, views and features to an
audience located in more than 140 nations around the world. Naked News Daily
Male launched in early 2004 and is produced with a gay audience in mind.

“Naked News Daily Male reaches a large audience around the world,” said Lucas Tyler, producer and director of the program. “Our audience tunes in on the Internet, television, the wireless world of PDAs and the latest generation of cellular telephones to watch our fun and informative program. With the growth of our show and audience we need to add new talent to our existing cast” he concluded.

Location:
Woody’s Nightclub
467 Church Street Toronto
Time: 8PM

What: Talent Search to recruit a new anchor for Naked News Daily Male.

Contest: Winner will be given a weeklong position on NakedNewsDailyMale.com

Too many puns. Growth. Position. Woody’s.

The Motley Fool’s got a quick and good analysis of Oprah’s surprise prize - 276 Pontiac G6 2005 sports sedans - for her audience.

However, maybe GM’s outdone them all with this one. An appearance on Oprah is likely the crown jewel of advertising. As pricey as it was, GM’s Pontiacs got quality attention through this stunt — which appealed to the fulfillment of people’s dreams.

Ouch. When Wall Street analysts call the mothership, your holding company, a value play, you know the fat’s going to be trimmed from the complimentary lunch buffet.

“Interpublic–it’s worth the wait.” That’s the slogan many of Wall Street’s sharpest value mavens are using to justify owning the battered ad giant. Top funds such as John Rogers’s Ariel Appreciation, James Gipson’s Clipper, and Bob Olstein’s Olstein Financial Alert–highly successful bad-news players all–are among the biggest shareholders in Interpublic Group …

Underneath it all, say the contrarians, is a solid group of assets that will shine once management clamps down on expenses. (Fortune)

Wieden + Kennedy, the hip Oregon ad shop famed for its Nike ads, is finding success exploring new forms of advertising in markets overseas:

The Japan office has founded its own music label. The enterprise’s name, W+KTokyoLab, highlights its experimental nature and sets the stage for production of art events, films and publications.

The Tokyo office brainstorms mission statements and guides companies developing new business concepts. It helped reposition Uniqlo, a cut-rate clothing retailer that went chic and built a $2 billion empire.

The story’s in The Oregonian, which requires a quick zip code registration. Try 55912-3680 - the code for Hormel.

Ever been offered a “free four week trial” of a local newspaper? Been handed one by a street hawker on the way to work? This weekend, one local paper dropped off a free copy of the paper at every house in my subdivision.

What’s up with these newspaper promotions? How in the world do they keep an honest count?

If you’ve been following the Audit Bureau of Circulation scandals in the US, it’s obvious some newspapers haven’t been keeping an honest count. Newsday, for example:

In the beginning, the computerized process was used for legitimate sampling programs or to start batches of subscriptions sold by telemarketers, and it included strict criteria for paying credits to agents, the former manager said.

By 2000, however, Newsday’s circulation department had loosened the criteria for credits and started using electronic lists to add thousands of customers who hadn’t ordered the paper, the former manager said. With a couple of keystrokes, managers could boost their daily tallies and credit agents for the nonexistent or free deliveries, he said.

He said he once even witnessed a former manager entering a $1,500 agent credit into the system to pay for World Series tickets the agent had obtained for him.

Once apon a time, Elizabeth Perkins was considered an up-and-comer. She was in Big with Tom Hanks. She was in He Said, She, Said, with Kevin Bacon. She was in The Flintstones with…. uh-oh. So that’s what happened to her career.

Back to serious matters. The HBR case study this month, The Micromanager, portrays a real-life He Said, She Said. It examines the relationship between a CEO and his new marketing manager - both under pressure, both struggling to meet their performance targets, and both questioning the other’s decisions.

To bring her up to speed, George had had her sit in on some of the developers’ meetings. She’d accompanied the sales force on client calls to see and hear from customers directly. He’d even asked the CFO to explain the company’s cash flow situation to her.

But he still found many of her decisions a bit off target. She was a solid project manager who knew how to produce handsome marketing collateral and wade through the logistics of trade shows. But that direct mail campaign she’d launched? Or the format of the seminar Retronics hosted? Not how he would have done it.

So he kept editing her work, explaining what really mattered to customers, how they arrived at their purchasing decisions, and how Retronics’s value proposition could be made clearer.

And he nittered. And nattered. And badgered. And asked “don’t you think?” And suggested “maybe we should.” And dithered over whether “this is an interesting thought to be teased out.” And wondered what reporters would think “if we highlighted the product line’s features?” And then he sent it to the company lawyers for blue pencilling.

A good snippet from ESPN’s Page 2:

Seems like they’d be better off sponsoring the bottom of the fifth, but who’s to argue with the good folks in marketing?: If you watched the A’s-Red Sox game Monday night you were treated to “The Jack Daniel’s Seventh Inning Stretch.”

A fantastic and fluid representation of the 86,600 most frequently used words in the English language, which was recently judged a winner in the AIGA’s “365: AIGA Annual Design Competitions 25.”

For a laugh, take a look at what some readers have discovered in the unintentional juxtapostion of words in the list, like “microsoft aquire salary tremendous.”

Thanks to Design Observer for the pointer.

There might be light blogging here this week: an extraordinary amount of comment spam, increasing work at the office, and a possible redesign are dragging me away from posting.

Bar bands have very few opportunities to win your attention: a brief mention in an alt-weekly, a PhotoShopped poster in a campus bar, even a tiny supporting role on another band’s playbill. Often, because of limited funds, bar bands can only hope to build word of mouth buzz. At this point, the band’s name and playlist are their only assets, and they better prompt interest. If that interest results in minor controversy and subsequent media coverage, all the better.

In 1992, the BareNaked Ladies played the novelty of their name to national notoriety after a brouhaha when the then-mayor of Toronto refused to let them play a concert on City Hall property.

Relic’s Jetboat is another Canadian band winning attention. They’ve penned “Do it for the game,” a hockey protest song that takes Gary Bettman and the NHLPA to task for leading Canadian hockey fans to the brink of a lockout.

This band has two hooks in their pitch: the timeliness of the hockey crisis, and their cunning reference to a common Canadian cultural experience: The Beachcombers.

For the non-Canadians out there, The Beachcombers aired on CBC television throughout the 1970s and 1980s. It featured a crew of crusty West Coast characters, including Relic, a beachcomber, and Nick Adonidas, a salvage company owner. Relic drove a funky beat-up logging jet boat - whose name continues to be the source of debate. (It looked something like this.)

A bunch of local musicians from Chilliwack, B.C. (yes, that Chilliwack), Relic’s Jetboat posted a (piss-poor) video of the song on their label’s site. It’s worth a gander.

In the world of ridiculous band names, McSweeneys has looked at different possiblities here, here and here.

So you’ve graduated from Yale. Are you pulling in the big bucks yet? Judging from a questionnaire distributed by The Association of Yale Alumni, Yalies have high expectations for their fellow graduates.

Graphically, it’s the familiar computer-readable form. Politically, it’s a touchy issue for past graduates - like George II or Clinton.

Image and reference from Edward Tufte.

Drawing up a new campaign, but stuck for promotion ideas? Scroll through the finalists for the Promo Magazine Pro Awards.

As Europe prepares for the introduction of new guidelines for the accounting of intangible assets - like brands - our marketing and PR colleagues across the Atlantic can smell the change in the air.

Numbers are back in vogue. Performance metrics aren’t only a late-minute add-on to PowerPoint campaign pitches. European CFOs are now as interested in brand valuations as their US counterparts - the AOL/Time Warner merger demonstrated the impact improperly valued intangible assets can have on a corporation.

Uh Oh. We shouldn’t have dropped Financial Accounting I in second-year.

The Financial Times discussed the evolving environment with several marketing, consultantcy and financial executives.

“It’s a huge opportunity,” says David Haigh, chief executive of Brand Finance, a London consultancy that measures brand values for corporate clients. “Historically, marketing people have been off in the west wing of the castle, flower arranging. Now, they are in the great hall arguing with the lord of the great manor.” (FT.com, sub. req.)

“They usually measure the wrong stuff with the wrong things at the wrong time,” says Kevin Roberts, chief executive of Saatchi & Saatchi … “It’s like using a thermometer to check how tall you are.”

Are you a marketing specialist? Imagine you were the brand manager for TollHouse Cookies, and your development team has just perfected a new 2 calorie cookie free of cholesterol and saturated fat. A perfect opportunity for career advancement? Not if you don’t understand the numbers. What are the basic financials behind a marketing homerun like this? Try your hand at this case study prepared by Franklin Allen at Wharton.